| what i learned. |
[Mar. 2nd, 2009|02:59 pm] |
yesterday i shot a nyu student film called REPEAT. the director was a cool chic from the South, lesbian (i think). we filmed in her apartment near lincoln center. the scene was called REPEAT. a couple is having a fight that they've had many times and would probably have again.
we started with my pick up shots. usually i hate going first because the repetition of filming allows me to relax into my body and original, less informed, choices morph into more honest ones the more and more you repeat the scene.
that's the way i work. when i am in a play, every nite i try to go further, delve deeper in my choices, character, and the given circumstances (3C's). i think my performance opening night pales in comparison to my performance at the end of a run.
however, there was some benefit in going first (at least i thought). my character was a guy who's at wit's end in terms of patience and the extent of his frustration. i chose to focus on his anger and since we've filmed my shots first, i had a lot of energy and anger to spare.
what i learned was this: my initial interpretation of the 3C's was angry, frustrated, and combative. in hindsight, i made strong choices, but they were predictable, probably boring choices. in the future, i want to explore more interesting, more unpredictable choices.
however, as the day went on, just like the course of the run of a show, my performance became more honest, more organic. when i didn't have the energy to do anything extra, my exhaustion, which was so fitting for the character, became the center of the performance. not my anger. this felt closer to the point of the scene. i missed this in my original interpretation.
it's a fight, of course there's going to be anger, but a more interesting choice would have been to focus on the fatigue, the exhaustion. the scene was called REPEAT not THE FIGHT. the point was not the fighting, the point was that they have been here before and that they'll probably be there again. during my pick up shots i gave everything i had. looking back, i was so angry at her, the situation seemed dangerous, almost abusive. the scene we shot seemed to be the end of the relationship, not an episode of a loop. i didn't show that this argument was a repeat. the fatigued, more accurate performance was given when the camera was off of me and no one was watching.
hindsight is everything, but i'm glad i realized this at all. |
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| my mission statement. |
[Jan. 30th, 2009|06:00 pm] |
My goal is to become a respected/progressive/successful artist. I will do this by learning the entertainment industry in order to block out a strategy that improves my chances, not luck, to succeed.
luck (luhk) n. (also called fortuity) is a chance happening, or that which happens beyond a person's control. Luck can be good or bad.
and then
Probability (prob-uh-bil-i-tee) n. is the likelihood or chance that something is the case or that an event will occur. plural -ties
I will not move on luck, I will move on chance.
I can’t improve my luck, it’s out of my control, but I can improve my chances.
I will always work at my best, and will not be discouraged. So even if I don’t get the opportunities I put in work for, that work is not for naught. I won’t always win, but the more I work, the more I improve my chances of making it.
I am going to be objective about my career choices. From now on, I will not work a job that does not improve my chances of becoming the artist I want to be.
If the job does improve my chances, I will not submit and hope to have good luck. I am going to educate myself about the project/players and improve my chances of getting the job.
The job is not the goal. The job is not validation. The job is a stone on the path to the goal.
If I can’t get to one stone, I will find my way to another. |
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| Bonnie & Clyde |
[Jan. 9th, 2009|10:51 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Washington Heights | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "A Little Better" Gnarls Barkley | ] |
Yesterday was. I recently turned 27. I was inundated with facebook messages, emails, texts and calls. It felt good, though I would have traded it all for a call from my mom and pops. By 9 o'clock, I gave up hoping they'd call and resigned myself to have different expectations for them. I think I have been in a rut because subconsciously I've been waiting to get the help and support I think people my age get from their parents, others. I realized this and vowed to change. No one can take care of me like me and though it would be nice to have cliff and claire huxtable as parents I don't. I have Irish and Tyrone and I have to move on that and not some sitcom delusion. I'm not going to get the true love and support I need from without, it's going to come from within and I realize this. I picked myself up, put on my big girl panties and basked in all the love I did receive. Two hours later my mom called and the next morning I got a sheepish call from my dad. All in all it was a beautiful birthday.
I have about 7 script treatments all in the formative stages. I had coffe and tiramisu with Heather on my birthday and she was telling me how unfulfilled she felt professionally and I told her I was hellbent to be fulfilled artistically and that I was going to make the movies/plays I wanted to see and to be a part of. I showed her a picture of my Uncle and Aunt from Germany when they were just dating. I told her how it inspired me to write a modern day take on Bonnie and Clyde and she guffawed. She told me she had been researching the real Bonnie and Clyde and that began our writing adventure. I had most of the emotional dynamics between the two, but no idea about the action story. Heather did and it feels as if we have a great partnership. We've exchanged emails about the writing I've done so far, g-chatted this morning about where we'll take research and planned a movie day/nite for next week.
I'm off to Barnes and Noble now.
I feel good.
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| ...but I really want to direct |
[Jan. 3rd, 2009|10:21 pm] |
I'm going to grad school. I want to start my MFA in directing starting Fall 2010. This is new to me. I did well in undergrad, but outside of performing, I really didn't have to try. I want to apply myself in terms academics, I get to do this in grad school and it makes me giddy. I hate to admit it, but I am excited about being in a classroom setting again.
I met with Cornelius earlier this week, we talked and he thought grad school would be a good move for me. I agree. What is so wonderful about having him as a mentor, besides the pearls that randomly and without warning fall from his mouth, is that he pushes me to look further than I would on my own.
Left to my own devices, I'd probably be stuck doing the same-old, same-old: audition, book the job, work the show and repeat. Or I would have considered going back for an acting MFA and been turn off by the idea of grad school altogether. Directing, on the other hand, is something that's not completely foreign to me, but not exactly familiar, either.
I have worked with lots of directors and choreographers performing in musicals, conventional plays, film, and dance, but I've never exactly knew, or bothered to ask, what a director's job is. I don't think many performers know exactly what a director does, but I was always certain when I had a "bad" one.
wikipedia defines a director as:
a practitioner in the theatre field who oversees and orchestrates the mounting of a theatre production (a play, an opera, a musical, or a devised piece of work) by unifying various endeavours and aspects of production. The director's function is to ensure the quality and completeness of theatre production and to lead the members of the creative team into realizing their artistic vision for it.
Along with the general process of researching and applying for grad schools I want to answer some questions in anticpation of final interviews and for myself. What is a director? What is her job? Why do I want to direct? What is my idiosyncratic perspective?
I plan on contacting past professors and directing grad students for advice. I plan to contact former directors currently in the city and ask to assistant direct and/or direct some projects for the summer. I plan to take the GRE at the end of this month. I plan on crashing this years URTAs to talk early with school representatives. I plan on compiling a portfolio and reaching out to potential recommendation writers.
I have a new purpose. It feels good. I feel focused and positive. I have a task at hand and I am going to knock it out of the park.
I am thankful for clarity and direction.
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| starbucks today |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|01:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | harlem | ] |
| [ | music |
| | silence | ] |
a black woman walked into starbucks this afternoon and started to rant. she had her daughter in tow, the child couldn't have been older than 10. she screamed about black men and how we were historically cowards. she charged, we sat back and watched as our own were lynched. that we were afraid of white people (there was a white man she directed this to) and other nationalities and she was amazed that we (black men) would have the audacity to disrespect her in the street. "they are niggers every one of them". at this point i looked up from my game of solitaire to look at this woman. she said we didn't prefer black women as they were, we preferred them to try to look "white" by straightening their hair. two people started to argue with her. the mother started to scream, "i don't want to hear that" and i responded, "we don't want to hear you". the woman ignored me and continued to argue with the same black female, at this point things started to escalate. i realized i wasn't helping the matter, so i sat on and watched. the mother charged a black male and her 10 year old daughter called one of the women nigger. the woman picked up a chair and chased the mother and daughter out of the starbucks into the street. there was a crowd. i sat at my seat and watched. moments later the black female returned to the store. someone had taken the chair from her. she sat at the table and cried. |
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| Who is your opposition |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|10:44 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | solitude | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | silence | ] |
So yesterday began my journey to become a more truthful, more honest writer. There were all kinds of things in my way in terms of returning to the page, but most were emotional.
About three weeks ago, I returned to NYC feeling broken and a hot mess. I knew the move and the huge decisions I made just before the move were the right ones, but they hurt. Bad. I lost touch of who I really was and hated the remnants of me that remained. I hated silence. I hated being alone. I refused to face myself and any moment I was not being distracted with drugs, booze, sex or empty conversation, was a possible moment for me to look at myself and this was unacceptable.
I needed to heal and to remember and get back to the strong, confident, more wiser me. I forced myself into solitude.
My first morning back in NYC, I began prayer and meditation. There's a guided meditation podcast called the Meditation Station, I did this twice a day and it left me feeling focused and relaxed for hours. Yesterday I switched from a "healing" meditation to "visualizations for an athlete". I figure writing is going to be my "thing" and this meditation is probably a pep talk right before a big event, something I thought I'd be able to use approaching the page again, for the first time. At first it seemed pretty inappropriate, but I just took the sports metaphors and transposed them to writing. Towards the end of the meditation, Shin told me, "now visualize your opposition". I began to transpose what this meant to me and my writing and it dawned on me, the reason why I would not write for months: I was afraid of me and the judgment I would pass on my writing. I was the opposition and I faced me head on for the first time.
After meditation I said a simple prayer, "Father, I pray your will be done today and that you give me the strength to carry it out. I vow to judge nothing that occurs today and I pray you bring to my attention any judgment I'm passing. I pray peace, love, happiness and laughter in my day today and into the lives of every person I meet today."
I think everyone has a list of things their "perfect" lover would say, compliments and observations, declarations of love and devotion. I had carried this list around for a long time, constantly adding to it, taking lines from songs and movies and poems. I secretly expected every lover to say those things to me. It was a litmus test. In my mind, this is how I would know if he or she was the "one" because they'd say things from my "list". There was genuine disappointed every time I accepted the fact this would never occur. At the end of a prayer and meditation session, I began to recite my list to myself. I didn't have to wait for the "perfect" lover to guess those things I felt I needed to hear. I could say those things to me and I could believe it. |
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| My permission, my guide |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|05:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | HARLEM, NYC | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | working | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "All Across the Universe" Rufus Wainwright | ] |
At the beginning of the Democratic primaries I was a Hillary Clinton supporter. I couldn’t wrap my mind around another Republican in the white house after the last 8 years. And out of the three front-runners in the Democratic nomination, Hillary seemed like she had the best chances of winning.
Although I respected John Edwards, he seemed to lack “magic” Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both possessed (I have yet to decide if that “magic” was not being a white male). As for Barack, he impressed me, but he wasn’t as experienced as Hillary. At that point, we knew very little about the Senator from Chicago with the Muslim name and I felt people expected me to support Barack simply because he was black. But tantamount to any other reason, I wanted to back the candidate who had a best chance of winning. America had progressed considerably since the Civil Rights, but there was no way Barack would win.
I followed the Democratic primaries more closely than I had any other. Was it because of Bush? Was it because I was at the age where the issues mattered to me? Was it because a black man was running? I don’t really know, maybe it was a combination of things, but I began to see politicians as panderers, liars, and about as moral as street pimps.
There’s a saying that goes “hard times do not build character, they reveal it” and I was surprised at what I discovered. My candidate seemed as if she would do, or say anything to be elected, even if it wasn’t the best thing for the Democratic Party or our country. True she was a great politician with experience Barack lacked, but this went from pro to con for me. For Hillary to be as successful politician as she is, she has to be deeply entrenched in the current broken political system. Call me crazy, but I don’t believe most politicians go into politics to sell their souls or become crooks. I believe some get into politics with the earnest desire to make a positive impact, but I also believe if you want to achieve anything, you have to play ball. And this is where I think Hillary found herself. Hillary had been in the thick of it too long to make the changes our country so desperately needed. With the price of gas, our soldiers fighting two wars and an impending recession, it seemed our elected officials were more interested in politics than in solving problems. To me, we couldn’t afford 8 more years of the status quo and I rallied behind Barack.
Yes, he was inexperienced and this was exactly what I liked about him. I wanted a candidate that wasn’t entrenched in the machine. I wanted a complete government overhaul and I believed Barack would champion that change.
The days leading up to the election results were pretty intense for me. It had been over a year of constantly reading opinion pieces, checking blogs, being outraged at phony controversies and gutter politics. I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted it all to be over. As I tuned in to watch Obama’s last appeal to the American people, I felt something well up inside me. What is now called the Obama Infomercial opened with golden waves of grains and I had had it. I had hit a political wall. I didn’t want to see or hear about anything relating to the presidential election until election night.
On election night I sat watching CNN and FOX news, live blogging all the way. I was expecting the results much later than they occurred. It was sometime after 8:30 in LA and with very little fanfare, it was over. The candidate I stood 9 hours in an early voting line to vote for won. Barack Obama would be the 44th president of the United States of America.
I sat in shock with tears streaming down my face. I wanted it so bad, but I couldn’t believe it had happened. Whoopi Goldberg would say the next day, it feels like I can finally put my bags down. Growing up poor and black I have always been told I could do anything, be anything, but I never truly believed it until now. If a black man named “Hussein” cold be elected president, I could do anything.
The next week as I began to hear president-elect Barack Obama more and more the reality set in, the reality that I had not always been a Barack supporter. In the beginning, I couldn’t see that far. I felt a little sheepish, but mostly inspired.
So often I find myself silencing dreams, ignoring creative impulses because I think I need permission. Barack was the first to see this day. He saw it, and he moved on it. If he had stopped to ask permission from me or anyone else, I doubt he’d be the next president of the United States. I’ve decided to follow Barack’s example. I will no longer seek permission to follow my dreams. I will listen to my heart and it alone will be my permission, my guide. |
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| My return |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|03:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | HARLEM, NYC | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rufus Wainwright "Cigarettes & Chocolate Milk" | ] |
I haven't updated my journal in a while. There are several excuses I could use like, I've been busy or nothing has happened in my life worth writing about, but I know these are only partially true, if true at all. The truth of the matter is I've been afraid to write. Afraid of my own judgment of what might come out. Will it be good? Will it be awful? Will I be disappointed? And instead of writing, I've been running.
Today I stop running. Today I face my fear and I accept whatever comes out. The good, the bad, the ugly and the epic. |
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| LOL |
[May. 23rd, 2008|05:28 am] |
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| woot! |
[May. 18th, 2008|09:38 pm] |
I will play CAMERON in Michael Saul's upcoming indie feature LOVE & WAR
HOLLA |
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| HAHAHA |
[May. 9th, 2008|08:49 am] |
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| Being the hydrant she thinks I am |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|08:43 am] |
Dean and I met with my agent before we left for LA, "I think we should have drinks. I want to meet Dean and say good-bye. I hate you're leaving, but I'm excited for you".
Weird. So weird.
My relationship with my agent is a very strange one and I doubt most agent/client relationships are on the same level or intensity. Meg has been in the industry for about 20 years. She's a strong-willed, outspoken woman in her late forties and the first time I met her I remembered thinking, "this is a woman I definitely want working for me and not against me". She's honest, almost abrasive and that was something I appreciated and feared.
I met Meg after a cast-mate in The Laramie Project had been courting Meg for years took the company press package on an interview. She saw my headshot and called me in. I went into her office "green", nervous, and on-guard. We both left the meeting undecided about the other. Two years later I'm still with her. She's been my champion, establishing connections I couldn't have forged on my own and holding my hand through unfamiliar territory.
About a year ago I told her I was casually thinking about a move to LA. I knew she would not be happy losing a client but had I known she was going to rip me a new asshole I would have worn clean underwear.
"We just got the ball rolling, Stephen!" She screamed it was dumb to leave when things in NYC were starting to pick up for me, "People are just now starting to know who you are". You shouldn't just go and you should be called to LA she shrieked. I had never seen Meg so upset. Do you even know anyone out there?" I didn't. "I don't have any connections out there, Stephen. If I did, I wouldn't hesitate to help you but I don't. I'm sorry. Jesus, who have you been talking to?"
"No one, Meg. It was just a thought, nevermind."
As uncomfortable being chewed a new asshole was, I knew she's right, but I couldn't shake it. REGRET had taken hold of me months earlier in Virginia and had not let me go even after I had returned to NYC.
I was in Norfolk, VA working a regional theatre gig. The cast was at our favorite bar, which was shouting distance from the theatre, celebrating an exceptionally wonderful show that nite. One of the three veteran actors from the show asked why I wasn't in LA. Flattered, I told her I went to NYC to do theatre and that's what I had planned to do. I told her I wanted to remain a purist and most of the work in LA didn't appeal to me. The three of them looked at each other and there was an odd silence. I thought they were all moved by the staunchness of my character, my unwilling-ness to sell out. I was waiting for applause, but no, they all laughed. Laughed hard. She told me they all started out as the dreamer, but, "...you're only 20, once. Right now you can play 18 or 30 and you won't be in that place forever. Go now. There's a longer expiration date on a theatre actor and it's easier to establish a film career when you're young. Go. It's the one thing I regret I didn't do."
That word. REGRET. I didn't (don't) want to make a mistake I could one day regret so I find myself playing safe and regretting it, too. Shortly after this conversation in a smoky bar in Norfolk, I decided to shake this fear. I was going to leap, I was going to LA and I didn't know exactly what this meant.
I walked out of this meeting with Meg deflated, but still resolved. Although she wanted me to stay for reasons suiting her moreso than me, I knew she had a point. I couldn't just go to LA with only a dream. Something had to happen. For LA to be a reality for me something had to happen to distinguish me from the legions of other actors not wanting to regret. And most importantly, these thing had to happen on their own.
As the days sped toward today, things happened. FLOAT got the green-light for feature pre-production and I'd be returning to the Bahamas to shoot for 5 weeks this summer. In mid-April, FLOAT would be released in the US, Germany and Japan on a DVD compilation (NOT GAY) by STRAND, a major distributor and is currently being aired on LOGO an MTV affiliate. I auditioned for and was accepted to an LA industry showcase featuring 20 NYC based actors and Dean got the OK from his boss to move.
And just like that, without me worrying, without me in control of every detail, something happened.
I knew I was leaving, I knew Meg would not be happy, but I had to somehow leave NYC with our working relationship and my self-esteem intact. I really didn't want to face her again. I had no use for a third asshole, but I scheduled an appointment with Meg.
I decided I wouldn't ask Meg for her permission to leave or her opinion. My decision had been made. I was going to try and keep her as East Coast representation and knew this may or may not be something she would be willing to accept. I knew I had to be ok with all these things before I stepped foot in her office.
To my surprise she was calm, "I knew that's what this meeting about. It's okay." I sighed in relief and told her that I was afraid this meeting might have been the end of our relationship. "No, don't be silly. I think we should have drinks. I want to meet Dean and say good-bye. I hate you're leaving, but I'm excited for you".
Again, weird. So weird that this respected agent was having drinks with me and my boyfriend to discuss our big move. I thought her intentions were purely personal, but it became clear that this dinner may have had a little personal involved but it was business. Meg was marking her territory. Oddly enough I walked home smiling knowing this woman kinda made me her hydrant.
Two things. One, I know it's grossed to think of this dinner as my agent "peeing" on me, but at some point I wasn't un-groomed actor anymore, I had somehow become a commodity to her. Two, although I was thrilled to be her hydrant I was sincerely glad to be my own. |
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| from URBAN DICTIONARY: Word of the Day |
[Apr. 23rd, 2008|12:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | 99 Joralemon St | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Here Comes the Sun"-Nina Simone | ] |
SHOWMANCE-When actors engage in a romance for the run of a show. Once the run is over so is the romance.
The term originated in the theater and moved to movies and scripted television and then reality television.
The term has now moved to the populace to describe any contrived romance.
Dude 1: I didn't know Anthony and Cicely were dating.
Dude 2: It's just a showmance, Cicely is just dating Anthony just to make Edgar jealous.
Dude 1: I didn't know Anthony and Cicely were dating.
Dude 2: They're not. It's just a showmance, Anthony is gay. |
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| The Click List: Best in Short Film |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|09:17 am] |
So last week FLOAT made it's cable network debut on a MTV syndicate called LOGO. It's a part of The Click List a grouping of LGBTA indie-filmmakers looking for exposure.
Please go to LOGOONLINE and vote for FLOAT. You can now watch it in it's entirety. But my partial nude scene is blurred, so you'll have to buy the DVD for that.
I pray this finds you well.
Stephen |
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| one foot in front of the next |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|10:56 am] |
unsure about where i'm going
what i'll do, who i'll become
but i'm putting one foot in front of the next
familiar darkness seeps into my periphery
i'm confused by fears and pain
but i'm puttng one foot forward |
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| umm... |
[Apr. 11th, 2008|03:38 pm] |
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| Spin the wheel... |
[Apr. 9th, 2008|07:35 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "American Boy"-Estelle feat Kanye West | ] |
...because I don't fucking believe it.
Barbara Streisand was on INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO and she said, "the universe conspires to assist at the moment of true effort".
How true, Babs. How true.
Dean and I have been stressed about picking up our life and moving to LA. Finding a place in LA, the cost of moving, all of this. Career-wise, I was also wondering if this was the right thing to do, at this moment. Needless to say I have been a ball of nerves.
Flash forward to this afternoon.
The real-estate agent who leased us our apartment has been showing our apartment (until now, I was absolutely clueless about it). Anywho, she calls and says there's a woman who wants to rent your apartment, but she'll only take it if you sell her some of your stuff. Turns out "some of our stuff" means THE ENTIRE FUCKING APARTMENT.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
No stressful cross-country move and a LA apartment with completely new furniture. UNIVERSE, I hear you and that's enough of a sign for me. No more worries. No more second-guessing. LA HERE WE COME. |
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